I can’t ask for anything more than spending the last day of the year with you. Even though we have to pretend, I’m just so grateful I’ll be standing right next to you. I’m excited for us next year. 2012, I hope you’ll be be kinder to me and my family.

It has been great so far. idk how we will be next year when my sem begins. but i only wish that you’ll still be standing next to me ^^

Exams are long gone now. And I have every right to give myself a hug and a pat on the shoulder for studying so hard. My routine was the ultimate torture! Wakes up every day at 8am and head to the library, studies in the library till it closes at 9pm, heads home for a short rest and to charge iPhone (which they should SERIOUSLY do something about it. people get iPhone because they have active lives you know!). Then, heads down to McDonald’s at B. Gombak to study till 4am. And the cycle continues almost every day like this for 2 weeks. I hardly had any food, drank gallons of water, coffee and music. As much as I thought I am strong and ‘healthy’, I fell sick 5 days before my first paper. Fever. Headache. Flu. Sore Throat. Gastric. ERGH. How did it felt? F U C K I N G  M I S E R A B L E. And not to mention panic too. I became really scared. I didn’t know what to do because I really couldn’t do anything. I can’t swallow. I can’t get up from my bed without vomiting. I slept on the bed reading my notes but it was utter failure! I was too sick to go to the doctors. I popped Panadols one after another for a couple of days. Only on day 3 could I step outside and travel to the clinic. At that point of time I really thought I didn’t have fever. But nooooooooooo.. the doctor checked and it was mighty high. And again I panicked (I always do). It took me days to recover and I struggled to revise and memorize heaps of theory.

That was just the beginning of the exams. For once in my life I really felt like giving up. And I cried in the midst of the exam period. It may sound silly, but I was really afraid of sitting for the exams. I was not just stressed but frustrated and depressed. I hadn’t had the chance to meet my friends for about a month already. My siblings came home with smiles on their faces and watches television without a single worry. They went in and out of the house going to work and school smiling away. I was honestly jealous of them. Totally carefree and enjoying their lives. I started questioning myself why am I doing this to my life? Why should I be studying when I can make bucks? Why did I choose to be miserable when I can forego all these studies shit and have fun? Why do I even bother? I cried really. There was only one person who stood by me through it all. He was no pro at studies himself. But being in that position he knows how hard it is. And he couldn’t be there physically to give me a hug, but he was there (: He was neither pushy nor sticky. Well okay enough about him for now

And for what felt like thousand years, exams are over. YAYNESS!

I grew up with him. But both of us were strangers in a way too. It amazes me that we could be in this situation, whatever you may call it. I spent so much time with him now and I found out how different he is. It sounds so typical as it may seem for a girl to describe a guy being completely different from the others. As a matter of fact, they all actually are. But this one, he’s honest. He completely tells everything even his weaknesses and mistakes. He isn’t ashamed to share his stories. He has so much to say and feels comfortable sharing with me. I realized that it is not because he has no friends to share them with – he has plenty! But the fact that none of them is willing or even able to listen to his rants and grieves, then pump in their own opinion. Even being totally aware of his weaknesses, I am really not hesitant to say that he is a really nice person. He reminds me so much of someone I fell terribly in love with years ago, when we started. Anyone would be scared to continue the relationship, afraid that history might repeat itself. But I’m not. And it’s surprising that I’m not afraid to continue talking to him. I somehow would love to replace those memories I use to have. The places we go, the things we do and most of the time the things he says, are really similar. I haven’t forgotten my past. But if I could replace those painful memories with heart-warming ones even though both of us do not know where it will take us, I really would. Frankly, I’m not prepared to be in a relationship yet. There’s just so much in my mind right now other than boys. But I do want to be there for him. I think he needs someone who could and would sit down and quietly listen to him. When he’s angry, he needs someone who could calm in down instead of poking and rubbing it in even more. I’m not saying that he needs someone like me. But I just want to listen to him whenever he needs. We are in this sticky situation that no one should know. Well maybe not yet? Idk. It’s impossible to take photos of us, but who needs photos when I know he’s always next to me <3

Oh we celebrated the birthday of this cute girl with a sharp chin! hehehe Finally she’s 20!! Welcome welcome welcome! Being 20 is like in the midst of nowhere. You are neither legally 21 nor teen young. So it’s really like that weelly old Britney Spears song (I forgot the title but no one remembers it anyway). Had dinner with Sockie and Serene babes too! Finally could meet up with these two busy working girls. I missed them so much. But we had so much fun and took many many pictures. I like (Y) hehehehe

i’ll update soon. i promise. oh wait. i must. there are really so many things going on. i am still looking for some time to quietly sit in front of my laptop and blog.

i think i do a pretty good job of keeping my friends’ and family’s secrets. sometimes i just wonder if they’d do th same if i were to tell them my stories. i could just imagine their stunned faces if i suddenly start narrating one after another. i think they would get shocked by th number of secrets i have kept and th magnitude of them of them. they would probably think im a superwoman for being able to live till today, bottling th stories up just like keeping cookies in a jar (yeah if only they were that easy to do). if only they knew th whole truth, it would explain pretty much everything i did or decided to do. th only thing that keeps me away from entrusting them with my stories is fear – fear of being sympathized. i’ve always hated it when people (especially those i share a ‘cool’ relationship with) started caring more about me just because im handicapped in certain ways. i supposed its alright if i secretly stay being a superwoman. yeah… people do not need to know th truth. i dont really need to show my superwoman underwear too (although i do have one hahaha!).

]]> http://colourthemwonderful.wordpress.com/2011/10/16/secrets/feed/ 0 colourthemwonderful 317880_2490772348856_1239169073_2926449_1885241521_n http://colourthemwonderful.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/i-died/ http://colourthemwonderful.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/i-died/#comments Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:55:50 +0000 Liyana http://colourthemwonderful.wordpress.com/?p=956 ]]>

Is there a direct relationship between stress and nightmares? i have been having an awful lot of nightmares at night recently. and it gets clearer. i would usually instantly forget my dreams th moment i wake. but it doesnt seem to be th case now. its puzzling. im even doing some research on th types of dreams people have!

AND OH GOSH DONT GET ME STARTED ON SCHOOL. UNIVERSITY IS TORTUROUS NO MATTER WHAT SCHOOL YOU END UP IN -.-

i have always wanted to go to th library with my family when i was younger. i have this idea of reading fairy tale story books with my parents and get them to explain to me words that i dont understand. i use to love reading. i still have my Enid Blyton books at home and a shelf-fitted range of Encyclopedias. i love th times i spent in libraries and bookstores.we used to do that sometimes on weekends. but i remember vaguely that we always travel to relatives’ houses for get-togethers and have meals too. i remember lots of trips to Malaysia for a vacation. and eating durian too! hahahaha yes as much as i hate durian now, i use to eat them. i still wonder why i cant get myself near a piece of it. yucks. it smells weird and tastes even more weird now. how did i manage to appreciate them last time?

its really much too soon to say this. but i sometimes picture th things i wanna do with my children in th future. what should i buy them. sometimes even planning 1st birthday celebrations and vacation trips with my niece and nephews. bringing them for swimming and library on Sundays. and th list goes on.. hahahhaa. sounds silly maybe. but its cute i feel (: